being straight

Photo by moon. Model: moon.

being straight was like living in a closet

I didn't know was a closet

some wealthy person's closet

with enough room and variety

to convince me I wasn't trapped

but it had been locked

from the outside

my body was trying to speak a language

my mind hadn't learnt yet

wasn't ready to learn yet

I couldn't get my tongue around the words just right

so instead

it tasted like too much salt in your meal

felt like body hair in places

I couldn't appreciate sweat

that wasn't mine

passion I didn't participate in

prayers of "when will this be over"

self sacrifice

it felt like a husband

I didn't want to claim

being straight felt like

"please don't touch me"

and "not tonight"

and "I don't know if this will ever change"

two children later and my body is a thing

I am only now learning to understand

falling in love with her felt like coming home

to myself

felt like I'd finally learnt my mother tongue

and spoke it fluently